Fears

I’m scared of my teeth falling out,

and I’m scared of physical pain,

I’m scared of being humiliated,

I’m scared Karma is really a bitch.

I’m scared of being judged,

I’m scared of cancer,

I’m scared of the raw power of an Empath,

and I’m scared that I have it all wrong.

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light-trash

Hope

It is perfect,

the way the light still shines,

the way the light still shines when it’s in the trash,

the way it does not know not to shine.

Which is like love,

which is like my love,

which is a femme fatale.

He smiled,

or she smiled,

opened wide,

and drank me in,

like I was eternal, because I am.

But I gave,

and kept giving,

and gave some more,

and intellectually this is wrong.

It is not the way of hearts.

The way of hearts that the Egyptians knew,

the way she knew the Egyptians knew about hearts,

yet she did not see the way she was gripping mine.

She did not want to say it,

he did not want to say it,

they did not want to crush me.

No.

No is a word that is not vague.

No is consenting to not happening.

No should not be a puzzle,

should not be tricky.

Do not let me crawl in your arms,

do not let me split apart my heart

and hand you a piece if you are

going to open up and breathe your fire breath,

disintegrating my love.

You contain me,

the way you swallowed me,

my seed in the pit of your stomach,

it will not grow.

Lucky for me there is not much debris.

I will not have to clean.

Your movements mean everything in the moment,

and the lesson is the way the moment does not carry over

into the next moment or the next or the one after that.

Permanency is a human creation.

The lesson is that I cannot crawl inside you

enough that you decide to hold my heart.

The lesson is that I must not need you.

The lesson is, once more, that I must be whole.

The lesson is not to not give everything,

but to stand strong when the heart breaks.

I will be mine.

I will not stop telling my truth,

bursting with affection.

Somebody will be ready to scoop me up.

Someday.

Maybe.

The lesson is not to act like it is not already here.

It is not possible to be truly alone.

I cannot hide in you, except in the deep reveries.

I knew it. I did not want to admit it.

When will I learn?

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Moonstone Dreams

Hate is held

in the cauldron

of creation, to be

transformed.

A Goddess

knows that She

is fear.  As

Woman, her

intrinsic power

is a container

for everything

that can be.

Only the lowest,

the strongest,

who have been

ripped apart

and born anew,

died over

and over

again, who

stand up

for magic

and the

long view

have the hands

of the Goddess~

to receive,

to give,

to form,

whose

reflection

is fear.

My papa

told me

the line

between

tragedy and

comedy is

fine.

Nature

is change

is fluid.

We are

looking

Death

in the

face and

holding it

as only

women

can.

 

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Which is it? Not.

Are you in?

Are you out?

presupposes

a definitive

destination

of other

must be

everything

I am not,

if I cannot

identify with

some facet of

you, so is that

why we

need to be

empathetic,

survival

tactic, or

you are like

me or

against

me.

What does it mean to be lunar-bodied?

The weight of the world, pushed pulled by

the force of the moon. Women embody

this force, a physiological connection

with the celestial realm. Her spirit

is the voice of the tides, her belly the

container of the ocean.

What is true is the poetry of force,

the creation refining vision, which seeks

to give form to material, to focus and

manifest, her material is the energy

of the universe, called in variation fire,

water, earth and air. She~ the creatrix

weaving dreams with her

left hand and intention with the wand

on her right. She finds herself

trapped in the cage of

this or that.

She has not

breathed in

thousands of years,

she had grown used to the food,

used to the grief,

used to the death and

emptiness, used

to the desecration of her body,

she sleeps. But the cries of her

daughters are too loud.

The cries of her daughter

wakes her up.

Women of the free world

stand up for the women

who are killed

for doing so. We have a voice,

and as our voices gain

momentum, with clarity,

sexual empowerment, education,

our

vocal chords fill with the me

the Goddess Inanna seduced

out the clutches of the god of wisdom,

Enki’s, arms. She found the power

of force to be used responsibly

only in her arms, the arms

spun with silk to move like

a rushing river. Men are waiting

to be told what to do. Men who

defer to the wisdom of a woman,

who know that strength is

not represented by the bulk of a

muscle and the force of a command

and army, but the strength of vulnerability,

which loosens her , because

she is in constant communication

with the universe around her.

Hers is the consciousness that

seeks to elevate to divine,

the spinning vortex of creation,

the natural alchemy

of turning pain into pleasure,

of death into birth,

of masculine into feminine,

and feminine into masculine.

She is the paradox that everything

comes from and where it returns.

Without a deep, embodied

knowing of her,

we have disaster,

the belief that

we can do

anything at all

on our own.

Disrespecting women is the original sin.

Connection is why we’re here.

Vulnerability is how to connect.

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Taking No Shit

Because I am in the business

of being nice,

when I can’t muster up the energy to care,

it feels glorious.

I received a text message,

“when are you coming to see me?”

it read.

“I have no plans in the foreseeable future to ever see you again.”

Beyond nice, there is truth.

Truth is better than an orgasm sometimes.

The sting of a woman’s love was shunned by COCKiness.

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The Power of Psychedelics

Closing my eyelids in the sunlight,

I remember why

it is a blessing for blurry lines.

When objects fade into objects

so that there is only one,

I feel saved from having to be someone.

The regular, steep delineations from person

to person, from one life to the next,

compartmentalizes the world into

boxes and boxes within which we need

craftier tools to escape.

There are no straight lines in nature.

Change was demonized along with women.

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Be Positive

Slowly,

loneliness creeps in at the edges of spoken words.

One by one they fall away to answer another call.

You begin to fall

into that hole that is so big

from a lifetime of digging.

At first, you claw at the edges, your

hands where your feet were

from what seemed like just a moment before.

And then your hands hurt, and your voice is

raw from screaming for help and

you realize

nobody is coming to save you.  

And so you let go.

And then you begin to occupy more of yourself,

from the momentum of loss,

filled to the edges instead of

a conglomerate mess.

And suddenly a knife appears,

clenched in your fist,

tattooed on the skin

between your shoulder blades.

A warrior is born.

And you know that

you have been here before.

And each time you have, you forgot to

fill that gaping hole with dirt.

That those seeds you threw in

when you were sitting pretty

indoors, are pretty much useless

without fertile soil.

We forget that we do not always need

a spiritual practice, but when we do need it,

we will have wished we had been practicing.

A warrior does not fear another,

she does not fear death.

She is fearless.

And when she knows,

she walks upright and

she knows

I don’t need anybody. 

And a smile and compliment from

an angelic being, or a pretty young girl

who says

I like your hair

might be the best thing that she has ever heard.

We are all of us starstuff that orbit a

gaping black hole,

a vortex of destruction,

waiting to rip us to pieces.

Only we are microcosms,

unto our selves~ destructive.

And seduced

by the femme fatale,

the cosmic maiden

demanding our demise,

catalyzing destruction,

throwing ourselves into the cauldron of creation,

to be ripped apart and

put together again.

Humpty Dumpty could not do it.

Is it still possible for me?

Can I ride her magic fires?

And we hope…

maybe this will be the last time,

maybe we will remember that we are warriors,

maybe the hole can be filled in,

maybe something can grow there.

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When I’m Calm

When I’m calm,

My only responsibility is show up,

Maybe love.

I become aware of the myriad of ways

One can (verb) down the street.

When I’m calm,

I taste the deep sea of creativity,

What exists before existence existed me.

Time is a Mobius strip made of pain

And pleasure.

Nature is a seed of the archetype is the tree of a seed.

When I’m calm, the depth of this moment has at least as many tributaries as my veins to artery ratio.

There is quiet where once was the imprint of a grotesque fantasy, the kind of day dream only fear can feed us, which for some reason feels more real than possibility.

We don’t care to admit that we enjoy the taste of blood. It drags us back to the dirt when we forget we are not just walking heads.

When I’m calm, I trespass silently so as not to wake the beasts.

It’s only a matter of time, I mumble. It’s only a matter of time.

If I’m not thirsting for flesh or as high as a kite, just where in the world am I?

It feels good, not to rock or to roll, but to watch from backstage, like a bird of prey.

The mask is my own creation, thank you darling, I tell the sweet faces at the ball in the dancehall of my imagination. It is made, thank you for asking, of trial and error. I am a player on a stage, a dancing mirror, you’re so good at showing me what you expect from me.

Alas, 2017, I want only mirrors surrounding me, reflections of forever in my true loves eyes.

Goodbye 2016, thank you for your demons.

When I’m calm, it is the moment I flow down the Mobius river of time and his mother inifnity.

There is availability in the spaces between bouncing, an illusionist knows how to beguile the mind, to turn it away from something or somebody. If it glitters it’s gold.

They are Alice’s multiverse characters that decided not to follow the White rabbit. They are the White rabbits who never arrived.

When I’m calm, we are only potential.

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