ballerina

Quit your Dayjob

The Darkness called me last night, called me out of my slumber,

which was light anyway,

to show me what it takes.

She asked me how far I would have to go before I realized that I am the Architect of my dreams.

“Quit playing the victim,” she yelled.

Show your mind where to go,

make it the positive pole.

What is the task when the task comes calling?

Is it an opportunity?

Is it an opportunity to turn down the thing you thought was the opportunity?

Standard
fly eye

Eye Wonder, or Maturity

I slept in the middle of the bed last night,

for the first time in two years,

since I left you.

 

Yesterday, I saw a couple hold hands while I sang, “take my hand, live while you can”

and a buzzy bug tease me at, “I wonder, when I sing along with you…”

It had me at eye wonder.

My worth is in under my ownership now, and

my sex is under construction,

my gaze intent,

I am the oyster not falling for the tricks of the Walrus.

It does not serve me anymore, not to be picky.

This is my graduation from certain mistakes,

a plea for distance from casual,

from the memory of you on your haunches,

only concerned with your pleasure.

 

 

Standard
downt he rabbit hole

Die For Your Art

I see your apparition in peripheral vision:

two eyes stacked with precision~

You see my move before I give permission,

and when I decide to look, you are gone like a cat,

taking my heart-shaped fantasies along with your cute act.

 

They say it of top regard to stand on your feet,

but what about us born with wings?

Being with you is like constructive debauchery.

 

Attached I am, and you know, you call it ego,

I call it soul.

With you,

I could live in a cold distant shack,

and keep looking back.

 

It is rare to meet someone who gets off on love,

who does not scoff at love.

Maybe you are my angel muse, destined

to break me. Oh! Your spell is strong,

for you I could do anything at all.

 

Please leave me alone.

Standard
soul besos

El Unico Precio es Tus Besos

Quiero que lo lleve por todo el mundo y
el unico precio es tus besos.

Que voy a hacer si me dices que no?

Voy a viajar hacer el mar y buscar a mi alma,
para encontrarme a mi mismo en la medula de tiempo,
para hacerlo a traves, para encontrar lo divino.

Pero, no me importa si esto se retrasa,
porque por tus besos,
me gustaria hacer casi cualquier cosa.

Tal vez un dia usted podria enamorarse di mi tambien,
o quiza necesitamos dos embarcaciones para navegar en
el azul.

Si no puedes amarme, por favor me deja, 
por lo que me encuentro una 
oportunidad de salvacion.

Oh, lo que haria de esos besos.

English Translation:

I want to take you all over the world 
and the only price is your kisses.

What will I do if you tell me no?

I will ride out to sea and look for my soul,
to find myself in the marrow of time,
to make it through, to find the divine.

But, I do not mind if salvation gets delayed,
for your kisses, I would do just about anything.

Maybe one day you could love me too,
or maybe we need two boats to sail into the blue.

If you can not love me, please leave me, so I can 
find a chance at salvation instead.

Oh, what I would do for your kisses. 
Standard
IMG_0410

Worship

Help me, Goddess!

Oh, help me Love, for I fall prey!

I have climbed my way to the top,

But what I find,

she won’t be caught.

She won’t be figured out.

I am a soul who is

food for the predator.

Becoming weak in Your grasp,

destroyed under Your reign.

Oh, Sovereign Queen,

point the sun in my direction

on my face, fill in the space, for

I want to receive.

Every month I give you my sacrifice,

and every month you crown me your Queen,

to do your bidding,

Standing on your Earth, solid at my feet.

But I am all yours,

a depth so deep,

for you to fill all of me,

it is endless for

I am not contained.

But when I forget,

come chip away at me.

Rid me of all I am that is not you.

 

Standard
spider country

Spider Country

Thinking of you throws me off balance,

an archer missing their mark,

sin,

slightly off-key,

wavering,

and I may trip

or fall,

and I vow to get rid of you~

the repetitive thought of you~

but you’re anchored deep,

do you think of me?

I ask myself achingly.

How do you see me?

It feels like I’m a toddler in your daycare.

I decide it’s over now,

until the next time I think of you,

it’s lovingly,

you’re always there,

ready to tease me.

I just can’t get rid of you.

I think I am addicted to the fall

because when I get up again,

I know more, I’m a little more worn.

Perhaps perfection is when I

stick the pose,

but I can’t stay still,

I am addicted to the fall.

My mind wraps in loops about you:

I think I want you in my life,

you’re no good,

why do I like you?

The fall makes me doubt,

whirl inside my brain,

and I see you smiling,

at the outcome of this game

you’ve trapped me in.

I always get out again,

well,

so far,

but like a moth,

I’m hopelessly drawn to your flame,

like I look too long at the sun,

and I stare into you

expectantly,

awaiting your transformation

into dust,

ashes falling into a neat heap,

anticipating your scream.

But wait,

Are we playing my game or yours?

Do you fall headfirst as well?

Could it be I’m affective too?

We lean in like galaxies,

giving birth

to an explosion of

falling and catching,

catching and falling.

Do I touch you as much as you touch me?

Because the way you touch me

is infinite and the reason I look so long,

is that I hope I’ll find myself in you

or lose myself in finding you,

because at that point

there is no difference.

Tell me how I make you feel.

I so badly want to dance with you,

move you around,

pay homage to strife

in that sham fight,

and without you,

this would not exist.

There is that.

Standard

Confidence Poker

The edges and beyond are the same as a dense ladder into herenow and they sound like OM which rhymes with home.

I am a priestess of the second degree,

but first I’m an explorer.

“Alyssa,

show. Don’t tell.”

But I split my personality for you.

You said you didn’t ask me to,

but there are things I can’t reveal to you,

for the only outcome I see is negative.

You hide the shame beneath a thick pillow,

or is it my lack of confidence?

They say it’s a Pisces thing, to identify with the everything.

Standard
bound

Brainstorming Rap

Okay, focus:

the attention is on you lis, you can do this,

talk about being a mistress with a wet kiss.

Envision this:

He calls me mistress,  while he’s bent over

double, knows he’s in trouble, looking at me

like “excuse me, please use me.”

And I think why this is taboo-zie,

See,

I can’t whine about her influence,

I’ve already forgiven this,

trying to give me the legacy, of

“be pretty, please”, “speak when you’re spoken to”.

See,

Us ladies have been banished to the red tent,

to hide our temperament,

to be agreeable, a godsend.

See,

The Goddess isn’t all light and love,

passive and foreseeable, she’s the fly born in the dead skin crevice of a dried bottom lip, the deepest dip

and darkest dive.

Smick-smack you up, when you look above, and out around,

Smile, nod your head, “it’ll be okay in the end”,”everything is as it should be. You will see”.

But it’s never the end, it’s “next time”, or “later.” You won’t transcend your body quick enough to ever escape space and time,

so you might as well rhyme,

and kiss me,

blissly.

To get ahead

of desperation in the race,

turn around,

and fuck my face.

“Oh, no, I’m almost at the bridge now”…

“I forgot, how ‘m I ‘sposed to send this shit out?”

Oh, it’s the internet so I can keep flowing,

keep going, and talk about craving a reality,

a different she.

So close I can smell it, taste it,

we can do it differently.

It’s not just me,

teasing, believing,

cure for the linear curse,

or a tubular well,

we can’t make it worse,

eternal life bombshell.

 

 

Standard

Word Vomit

There are water drops pouring off the side

of a blue velvet blanket,

and I’m cuddling the kitten,

to remind myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I feel more human than I’ve ever felt,

so flawed, destructible…

I thought I was headed towards a greater strength,

but I suppose the muscles need to be worked

in order to tear and grow,

to gain resiliency.

I wanted to give myself away again today,

but I got dissed in return.

A lesson I’m sure,

for I’m sitting here ruminating,

destroying myself further,

trying to refine what I’m looking for.

I’ve made such a mess,

is this why no one wants to revisit their 20’s?

This word vomit is a metaphor,

for my life and it’s mistakes thus far.

Be broken open, fall apart,

in order to grow strong.

Follow “mad strife”,

pain as a teacher,

comfort in the uncomfortable.

I’ve done it again, gone and

mucked it up.

I wonder when I’ll learn.

The lessons keep adding up.

I look to my heroes,

the writers at the bar,

dying for their art.

Did I take love for granted?

Those who loved me best.

He told me he spoiled me

for all the rest.

Can you understand why I need

to know my worth?

He told me my problem is

that I feel I need to prove myself,

to prove I’m worthy, to have

something to point to.

And it’s true.

I’ve made an identity out of helping you.

But let’s be clear,

I’m in it to help myself.

I am who I am,

thickly guarded,

shaking when vulnerable.

I didn’t think I could be used,

I didn’t think anyone could be with me

without loving me.

But I see now~

it’s easy to have sex with someone,

it’s much harder to build something up,

and expose our insides.

It’s scary because we don’t know how they look,

they are unedited without expression.

I’m relatively out of control,

striving to find a way back home,

following the steps I’ve been led to take,

hoping my life isn’t one grand mistake,

trying to find the me inside,

by looking at how I hide.

Looking at how I’ve manipulated others,

told them how to see me instead of being myself.

He told me there’s no point anymore,

for a man to keep trying,

once he’s been inside.

Once you’ve given away the power,

given it to another.

I want something so elusive

I can’t taste it.

I want love,

I want to embrace this

process of Descension

into the emotional maelstrom

I’ve often hid from.

A taste of my own medicine,

playing with emotions,

I think this is one of those days,

I will remember for a long time.

Calcined to char,

again,

values and beliefs

torched to pieces.

Will I ever get to enjoy this?

He says it gets easier.

There’s no avoiding pain.

I am transformed by everybody

I come into contact with.

Each time it’s happened,

I come back and look

at my self-serving actions,

what is it I’m living for?

When will it feel right?

When will I not feel like this,

and when will I learn

to avoid melodrama, to live happily?

 

 

 

Standard
IMG_1021

It’s Confusing but I think it’s just love

Breaking the rules again, no conjunctions,

I’m sorry my sexy friend, you should’ve kissed me

when I leant in.

 

 

There were so many spaces with you~

to fill in with noise~

domestic repose,

you finished with suspicion,

I only want you to see I’m looking.

There was poetry over the the mark,

the silent question on your stomach,

and in your deletion of words

that used to mean something,

something before.

And I stopped in that vastness

of the space you’ve created,

demanding intimacy, authenticity,

where have you gone,

were you not reborn in our love?

A one night stand, you say,

something you don’t do often.

Words are so powerful,

yours crushed my heart.

I love you! Do you not feel that truth?

I have loved many, and I will love many more,

and they are a part of me,

and I gave all of it to you.

A one night stand,

I know you felt me.

It’s not easy,

to love unconditionally,

a person, flawed human,

me too.

Me too.

I write this for me and I wrote this for you~

but don’t think equality.

This is breezy, not easy,

and I wasn’t teasing.

I felt you right away,

and I want to explore

you more.

I am not a whore.

Though you may think my loving

eazy might be sleezy.

You said over and over,

“knock on my door, it’s always ajar”

before I shared with you fully.

Oh, desire, Cupid’s arrow,

you hit me once more.

The little boy, with the bow

and the string, striving

to be a predator.

I will show you what lies there,

I’ve seen it in your stare.

But don’t shut me out.

But you shut me out.

I understand,

I forgive you.

It’s hard becoming a man.

But you must know how you broke my heart,

how I don’t offer myself to any tart,

I only give what’s asked of me

in any given moment,

like a little bit sullen,

or a joint mixed with mullein.

I want you to know it’s hard to pull back.

I want you to know not to worry,

I’ve been through this before.

And I won’t show up with my bags

at your door.

You’re scared of commitment.

I totally get it.

You may not realize it,

but I already have some part

of your heart,

and that means the world to me,

with it,

we can create symphonies.

We can be together when the tide

comes in,

and leave when it comes apart

again.

It goes deeper than you comprehend,

the voice of absolution,

the molecules of your bright chagrin.

It takes time,

and I will find out if you keep your word.

But now I need to be heard.

You dove right in,

then jumped right out.

And now I have so many fantasies,

of what we could do,

with the door wide open.

Oh, I want to touch your

milky skin,

and dance a smooth rhythm,

of not holding back.

I have to admit,

I feel like a drug fiend,

fed a little bit of fix,

but now I want to play with the mix.

“Let us be lovers, we’ll marry our fortune together.

I’ve got some real estate here in my bag.”

Eventually, we’ll call this “good sex”

and not attach too much meaning to it.

Eventually, I’ll grow up,

but for now,

let me have my illusion

of love, glorious love.

But I want you to know,

one night stands aren’t really my thing either.

 

Standard